My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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