Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
