Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
