i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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