my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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