dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Randomize
