Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
