I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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