Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
