that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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