i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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