I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize