I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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