In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
