I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
