Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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