I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
