I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
