I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I feel like a drive thru vagina
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
