Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
