I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
