I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
