Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
