Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
