I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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