I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
