mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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