I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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