the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
