My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
