The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
