u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
