Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
