She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
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