I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
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