I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
