I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
