The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Randomize
