my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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