I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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