Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
