My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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