I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
