You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
