i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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