jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize