i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize