My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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