if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Randomize
