grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
