so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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