As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
