Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
