I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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