from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
