Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
hell yes lets make some ravioli
she woke up with a sticky ear
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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