ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
