I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
