its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
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