I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
