watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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