When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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