she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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