Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
