even my farts smell like vagina
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
