i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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