dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
